i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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