Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
