yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
