420 ftw
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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