He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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