I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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