ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
