you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
