I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
