they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
