I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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