Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I cannot find my penis.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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