I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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