i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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