i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
