you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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