and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
