i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
