Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
