Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
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