Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Operation Purity has been aborted
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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