my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize