You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
