Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
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