He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You've changed since you got that strap on
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize