Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
