I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
