I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
