wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
