Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
