You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
