i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
