i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
