im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Randomize
