it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
