We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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