is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
and she was petting her beer can
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
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