You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
