this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
That reminds me...we need to get swords
This show inspires me to have sex in space
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
