im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
