I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
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