I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
