The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
