Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Randomize
