it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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