Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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