I can't watch pbs sober anymore
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
