Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
