I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
you would pick up someone in the library
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
