is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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