Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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