wanna go halves on a baby?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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