If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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