i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize