i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
