hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
