I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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