You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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