We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
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