is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I lost the right to judge tonight
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize