I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
