I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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