the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
