Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
