Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
cat food counts as protein by the way
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
