the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
i believe in u and ur pee
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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