Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
