He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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