You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
