Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
