dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
