My first STD was from a foam party
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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